


you're walking away and i will die in this place

by heroinchic



Category: Trainspotting (Movies)
Genre: M/M, im feeling angst AGAIN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:40:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24706975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroinchic/pseuds/heroinchic
Summary: it's not the same anymore, you are not the same anymore.Sick boy knew that Mark would left and that he would stay to rot in that shitty town, he didnt do anything to avoid it, its how things were meant to be since the beggining.
Relationships: Mark "Rent Boy" Renton/Simon "Sick Boy" Williamson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 13





	you're walking away and i will die in this place

They weren’t many moments in Simon’s life where he felt out of place or like he was being deliberately replaced and left behind.

He didn’t have to compete with anyone, or he could pretend that no one could ever compete with him, at least not in his friend’s presence, not even when Diane started to hang out with them at pubs and clubs more and more often. Her quick and smart answers just made him feel entertained and ‘’winning’’ an argument against her served him like an ego boost. She was right in most of the things, but Mark always ended up backing Simon’s point of view except when Simon really was being a sexist arrogant son of a bitch, which was most of the time.

But things started to change in the group’s dynamic when Mark met whatever-the-fuck-that-cunt-was-called, (it was a lame name, lame as shite, Simon couldn’t remember it even when he was sober, and if he did he preferred not to say it) and Mark had the audacity to introduced him to the group at the pub one night, Simon scoffed with petulance at anything that the guy said or did, rolling his eyes when the guy started an argument with Diane and Spud looked at the guy all marveled, the fucking traitor. Even Begbie kept his distance, very tense distance but he kept it.

Of course nobody knew (except Simon and Diane) that Mark was actually dating whatever-the-fuck-that-cunt-was-called, for the rest of the people this guy was just a friend Mark had met back in London and somehow that ‘’friend’’ had been so attracted by Leith, the most shitty place in Europe, that he had moved in to Mark’s (and Simon’s) flat after Tommy’s funeral.

-Moral support- that’s was Mark only explanation to when Simon arrived at their flat and found the multiple suitcases all over the floor.

As if Sick Boy, his absolute best friend, couldn’t offer him moral support. He didn’t understood what Mark saw in the guy, he knew that his friends could be easily impressed but that wasn’t Mark’s case, or not anymore, Simon lately felt like he didn’t knew him which was nonsense because if he could include ‘’I know Mark Renton more than I know myself’’ on his résumé, he would.

The guy tried to befriend Simon for like a month, because ‘’you are the best friend of my boyfriend, he never stopped talking about you at London, at first I thought you were his ex-boyfriend, isn’t that funny?’’ and why the fuck would that be funny? Simon just looked up from his cup of coffee and give the guy his most charming smile before getting out of the flat and disappearing for two whole weeks. 

He was being very polite, really, because he could just easily tell him ''yeah, did he ever mentioned to you that we had sex in every available space that you can see on this shitty flat? even in the table that you are sitting on right now. we almost broke it! isn't that funny?''.

He mostly slept in the houses of birds he had met at the club, the worst nights he had to come back to his parents’ house, her mother all so happy to see him, her father not so much. He was at his old bedroom the whole time, thinking about the days and nights him and Mark used to share there. They were just kids back then pretending they knew what the fuck was going on, just like they were now, he figured. But back on those days he was Mark’s ‘’moral support’’, he had a group of friends in which he didn’t felt uncomfortable or out of place or like he needed to pretend more than usual to be this character he created, to fit in the shoes of Sick Boy, how silly, having to pretend to fit in your own shoes.

He heard Mark’s boyfriend voice getting him out of his thoughts, saying something about how Simon disappeared for those few weeks and just popped up again one morning at the couch reading one of Mark’s books. Simon just smiled and shrugged; Renton kept smoking without even looking at him. They weren’t talking much those days and it was to be expected, he wasn’t mean towards the guy but he wasn’t nice either, he just was civilized and the only words he had told him were ‘’be nice to Mark’’ one night at the club, when no one else was listening.

Diane didn’t believe the carefree show he threw every night they hang out. She stared at him like if she was inspecting a possible suspect of some horrible crime, but he wasn’t doing anything wrong, actually he hardly ever got the strength lately to do the so called ‘’bad things’’ that gave him the reputation he had.

The scamming and the stealing weren’t as fun to do without Mark laughing crazy by his side while running from the cops until their ribs ached.

Wasn’t as funny to celebrate when Mark wasn’t resting his head on his shoulder after too many whiskey, their flat wasn’t only theirs anymore and he couldn’t share the bed with Mark, even if he had his own bed he always preferred to sleep with someone. And now the person whom he would never get tired of sharing the bed with, was sleeping with someone else all-the-fucking-time, someone who had a stupid lame name.

-You are acting like a teenager Sick boy, it was fun at the beginning but not anymore. Are you alright? - Diane shouted at him in the middle of the blasting music and neon lights, Simon was sitting alone looking at the dance floor where Mark and his boyfriend were dancing terribly.

He knew that this conversation was coming sooner or later.

-You are a teenager Diane why don’t ye behave like one just once? - he tried to cut her off with a cold tone, but she threw off the comment quickly with a shrug and continued to talk.

-And to behave like you? All sad and whiny because your best friend wouldn’t suck your dick anymore?

Simon gave her a shocked look, that ginger son of a bitch told Diane everything, but she never made any comments about it. He decided to recompose and act like if what she just said wasn’t completely truth.

-Just so you know Diane, i have plenty people to suck my dick, I don’t need Mark for it so why you don…

-But ye want Mark for it, why is so hard to admit it? - she interrupted him with the same impassible expression.

-It’s not of your fucking business, jesus christ why don’t you jus-

-All I’m saying it’s that Mark has one foot outside the door to come back to London if ye don’t behave like a fucking adult and stop making him feel like he has lost his best-friend.

She left him with that, disappearing in the dance floor with the rest of his friends. She was right. Fucking Diane she was always right.

He decided to walk home. It wasn’t that cold, and he needed time to think, it was so weird to having to pretend around his friends that he wasn’t hurt, that he wasn’t bothered, that he wasn’t needy and lonely.

Renton always saw through the fissures of his various masks and Simon loved him for it, because he didn’t needed to say or do much for Mark to gave him what he wanted, whether that need was sexual, or drug-like, or just talking the whole night while smoking, or even just a hug.

Simon wasn’t good at expressing anything out of character and Mark was too good at reading him, that’s what made him more angry and frustrated, Renton should know by now that he was jealous, that he wanted things to go back to normal, that he wanted what they both had before things started to go terribly wrong; first with Dawn’s death, then Spud in jail, then Tommy’s death and now with Mark pretending to have a perfect relationship with a lame ass man who didn’t deserved him at all.

Everything was just too much to bear, too lonely, too tired, too heartbroken, too out of character. He hated feeling trapped inside the many versions of himself and he hated even more that none of those versions fulfilled him anymore.

He just wanted himself back and that meant that Mark had to be back too and that didn’t just meant living in the same place together because they could do that and still feel like that were in two different dimensions. Mark had to be back with him and only him.

It sounded so selfish, but no one understood their dynamic, not even Diane (he wanted to believe so), not even Mark’s boyfriend, it was weird how Ali had been the only one who had barely grasped at the surface of their friendship and noticed that wasn’t just a friendship. ‘’he holds you up Simon but one day he’s going to leave and he’s not going to come back, so you better learn how to cope by yourself, Mark will do the same but not in Leith, not with you’’ she told him all that bullshit the last few times that they saw each other after their daughter’s death.

Very deep down something told him that she was right but was too frightening by the thought of Mark leaving forever without saying goodbye that he classified that as a thing that would never happen, Renton could be many things but he wasn’t the type to go away and never come back. He wouldn’t just leave him.

Everyone and everything left him, but Mark had to be the exception to it.

He remembered one night when they were sixteen and were drinking on Mark’s room, his parents out that night. Simon was smoking by the window and was talking and talking about some of his already well-formed theories, Mark listening and adding some of his thoughts while going through a magazine.

-I understand that everyone must leave at some point, move on and all that shit, specially from this fucking place. But where the fuck do they go? To do the same shit that they did here only in a fancy place. A place that makes them feel like they are doing the right thing.

Mark had left the book and now he was watching at Simon who kept talking and smoking oblivious to the gaze of his friend.

-…in the morning my sister was watching a movie or a show on the telly I didn’t pay much attention to it, but i heard the dialogues and one of the characters said something like ‘’i do love you, but now i have to go’’ yeah, of course everyone can leave, but if you are saying that you love that person why don’t you just take them with you? its fucking ridiculous Rents, that what it is, complete nonsense.

-I think that loving someone doesn’t stop you dead in your tracks about your plans and aspirations, it must be quite nice to love someone and not wanting to leave them behind, but after a while it would turn into regret and resentment- Mark said.

Later when they where both laying in the bed, face to face, Simon spoke suddenly.

-Rents

-What? - he muttered with his eyes closed.

-You would resent me if you stayed here with me?

Mark was now looking at him, the blue light of a patrol car passing down the street illuminating their faces for a moment.

-No, because if i left, i’ll take you with me.

-So you are going to leave at…

-We both are going to leave at some point, you are coming with me- Mark reassured.

Simon just smiled like a kid who was receiving a new and beautiful toy. It sounded like a promise, something to cling into. Like a master plan they only knew about.

Now he was trying to reach for that promise and hold on tight to it, even if Mark never said ‘’I promise’’ to him. But it had to meant something, Mark had to remember, that’s why he kept coming back to Leith, when he left to London Simon wasn’t worried, he had his phone number and direction, it wasn’t a ‘’never going to see me again’’ thing, Mark wouldn’t do that. Despite what Ali said and what Diane think. He knew him. They just had to sort some shit out for things going back to how they were.

He kept walking, remembering many nights when things were okay, with skag and death around them but they were together, so they were okay. He just needed to say that to him, he figured, ‘’as long as we are together _alone_ , we will be okay’’ that was it, the right amount of sentimentalism to melt Renton and the right amount for him to not seem too vulnerable and needy.

He could get used to co-existing with whoever-the-fuck-mark-dated, they weren’t kids anymore, they could act like kids but only in certain situations. If being nice and fake with whoever-the-fuck meant that he would keep Mark around then so be it, he could leave his ego aside for a few moments, very brief moments of course, no one would notice and if Mark noticed that didn’t bother him because maybe that would help him to realize that Simon was the one for him.

He knew it tho, he knew that Renton was the one for him since they were twelve and were running through the mall with stolen expensive candies and cassettes and porno magazines stuffed inside their jackets, laughing like maniacs with the security guards behind them. He knew that he was the only one for him when they were fifteen and he was Mark’s first kiss, ‘’it doesn’t count’’ Mark always argued, because it had been with Sick boy and they were both drunk and they only did it to practice for when Mark had to kiss a girl. He knew he was the only one for him when they shared their first needle, that memory was engraving into Simon’s brain like a curse, like a no-return point that somehow comforted him but also haunted him.

He could get him back, he could get him to realize that he was the one, that he didn’t needed to go back to London, that he could stay here and they both will figure things along the way. That what they had wasn’t lost.

All those thoughts were going miles per hour on his mind as he got closer to their flat ‘’he still wants me, he still needs me’’ he said mentally in an attempt to calm himself and stopping from thinking the worse scenario. Mark packing his things first thing in the morning, along with that guy, leaving Leith for good, acting cold and detached towards Simon’s words, letting him know that his theory was right, _‘’at one time, you've got it, and then you lose it, and it's gone forever’’._ His own words were now making his way to cause a migraine. Fuck that, _‘’all walks of life’’_ but him and Mark would make the exception.

When he arrived at the flat, Mark was already there and had red eyes from crying, the whoever-the-fuck-guy was nowhere to be seen. That was a good start, Simon thought.

According to Mark, they had a huge fight outside the club that almost got physical, because the guy wanted to leave Leith immediately, the season of moral support was over and it was time for them to build a life back in London, to which Mark refused, they had been fighting about it for days, things were headed to end soon, that fight outside the club was just the last stop.

While he talked with anger and resentment, Simon gave him glasses of water to try to sooth the upcoming hangover, they were having a normal conversation like they used to do, Simon cursing that guy and his lack of comprehension and truly support, Mark laughing bitterly between the sassy comments he threw. The guy would pick up his things in a couple of days and that was it. Finally.

-Anyway, so you sleeping with me tonight right? - Mark said, already kicking his converse off.

-Actually, i found out that my own bed is paradise, i look forward to coming home every night and sleeping cold and completely alone in that horrible mattress Rents. Quite the privileges i had when you were in honeymoon phase- he answered but was already taking his shirt off and sitting beside him while Mark laughed and threw his pants across the room.

-I think that phase is over so no need to be jealous and sarcastic anymore Simon - he said simply, while accommodating his pillow.

Simon couldn’t help the delighted smile crossing his face.

-I knew we will always end up sharing beds, its one of the things we are never going to lose.

They were both laying on the bed now, face to face, Mark's fingers touching Simon bleach blonde hair with care, god he missed this.

-And what are the other things? -Mark asked out of the blue, voice now too soar from the alcohol and the previous crying.

-Uhm?

-The other things that we aren’t going to lose.

-Well, everything Rents. Everything that is ours and ours only.

-Even the fucked-up things.

-I dun…

-Its not a question Si- Mark cutted- I know that we are going to lose so many things along the way but not the fucked up ones, the skagg, the scamming, the lies, its how always was meant to be.

Simon frowned with worry because Mark looked sad and frustrated while saying this, a deep sadness and remorse cruising his expression as he talked was noticeable even if only the light from the street illuminated part of his face.

-Does this have to do with something that that cunt said to you?

-He didn’t needed to tell me about it because i know, we all know. It’s fucking everything Si, everything that has happened in the last year. This place is tainted, we all are- his voice empty and far away, his gaze vacant and full of decay.

Simon didn’t know what to say. For them to move forward they would have to stop thinking about all the things that they have done and all the shit that went down the past months. But it was all too fresh, too haunting, too present in their every day lives to just simply put it behind them. This was a new point of no return.

After a few minutes in silence, Simon felt nothing but pain and heartache, as he had come into a realization that he had tried to kick out of his brain, trying to come up with things to cheer himself up. But that was it, lies he told himself to break the fall that sooner or later will come.

-Rents.

-What? – he looked at him.

-You are going to leave right? - Simon asked, but it sounded more like a fact stated.

The next seconds that felt like hours were in silence except for the fading sound of a police siren far away.

-I have to.

That was all he said. Simon somehow knew that he didn’t meant London, that he didn’t meant leave and come back a few months later, he was going to leave for good. No phone number or direction to find him this time.

The worst of all, there wasn’t a ‘’and you are coming with me’’ following that ‘’i have to’’.

It hurt to know that now Simon was just a ‘’fucked-up thing’’ in Mark’s life. Something that he would always carry around, but not with him, a fucked-up thing that he had to left behind to move on. A taint.

But he understood, like he had understood that movie line that he remembered all too well specially this night, but it was bullshit, still make his blood boil and his anxiety reach sky levels, unable to keep this under his control.

He wanted to scream at Mark, to laugh at him, to be cruel, to demoralize him ‘’where the fuck you going to go?’’ ‘’and how are you supposed to go?’’ ‘’you don’t have a single penny on you, naïve sack of shite’’ ‘’why wouldn’t you just take me with you? fucking traitor, fucking liar, words mean shit to you’’

He wanted to Mark ache the same way he was aching, for him to know that people like them weren’t supposed to leave these places ever, that they didn’t deserved an easy-going-bourgeois life. But he knew that it would be useless, Mark would leave, and he would stay.

Who knew how many nights and days together they had left, so why waste one of them in fighting over something that would happen eventually?

They didn’t say anything more, Simon slept good and in peace that night, a sad resignation and silent anger flowing through him. But it also felt like nothing could go wrong anymore, he was going to lose his best friend, yes, but after that what could go really wrong? what could stop him? what did he had to lose?

And on the bright side, at least he wasn’t sleeping alone that night, better yet: he wasn’t sleeping with someone who made him feel alone, despite the fact that his only reason to keep going just told him that he would leave him, but he didn’t felt alone.

Nothing was going to ever be the same anymore, his theory proved to be correct once again, but tonight Mark was by his side and that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments make me v happy thank you :)


End file.
